I am 16...going on 17...

Just some ramblings...

I knew going in that this part of the pregnancy would be stressful and anxiety provoking and....it has not disappointed.  

I am just over 16 weeks pregnant with #5. Aidiliy died at 17 weeks. 

With almost no warning. 

So let's just be honest, I'm pretty much walking around this week waiting for this kid to drop dead. I know it's irrational, I know it's a different pregnancy, I know precautions are being taken, I know 17 weeks isn't some magic safe number either and doesn't really mean anything, I know, I know, I know. But I'm still thinking it. 

I keep thinking things like "you better hurry up and name her because that sucked trying to rush and pick something on the spot while delivering Aidiliy".

It's all totally normal, I know that, but that doesn't make it any more fun.

Placenta is anterior this time, so I can't feel her much yet either, which is really great and un-reassuring. I have a friend's doppler, which is keeping me sane, but that split few seconds before I find her heartbeat every time make me want to puke.  

My perinatologist is fantastic (literally, the only person at Kaiser I trust) and has put me on every 2 week appointments/growth checks and will start NSTs as soon as baby is remotely big enough. He told me I can come in ANY time I want, unscheduled, just to see her on ultrasound for reassurance and to not feel silly about it or like we are bothering anybody.  He's known us for 10 years now and he gets it, and I/we appreciate that. 

There is something just...kind of weird...about knowing exactly what your baby probably looks like inside of you. I, like I'm sure most moms, have seen a lot of ultrasounds and read a lot of books and seen online illustrations of babies in the womb at different stages. But this time, I now know exactly how big she is and exactly what her face probably looks like. I know what a 17 week old baby looks like because I've held one. It kind of...ups the stakes? Or something? I don't know.

I do have some good news: I called genetics yesterday and this time we PASSED our 2nd trimester screening. This is fantastic news! This is the part of the screening that Lily failed horribly and they thought she had Down Syndrome. (But it was the placenta failing). Hopefully, this is a sign that the placenta is still looking good at this point 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

2nd Trimester- The safe zone...except when it isn't...

On Monday of this last week I turned 13 weeks pregnant with #5.  13 weeks. 2nd trimester. That magical time when pregnant people everywhere breathe a sigh of relief and feel like they are pretty much guaranteed to bring home a baby 6 months later.

Except when you just lost your daughter at 17.5 weeks out of nowhere.  

There was definitely no sigh of relief here...not this time. 

Crossing into the 2nd trimester is weird this time. I'm definitely not relieved. I actually have a little more anxiety than I did very early in this pregnancy.  Part of that is because we are getting closer by the day to the point in the pregnancy that Aidiliy died and that is hard. And weird. Part of that is that because with each passing day of a pregnancy and each ultrasound you get more and more attached and in love with that baby, no matter how hard you try not to. Part of that is because I know we are going to have to tell the kids pretty soon.  And part of that is because when I first got pregnant with this baby I was pretty fully convinced it would be an early miscarriage. I kind of just put it in my head that we wouldn't make it out of the 1st trimester. A defense mechanism I'm sure, but that's what I was thinking....and I was thinking somewhere in the back of my mind that "at least it will just be a "regular" miscarriage this time". NOT that any loss is not totally and completely devastating (and I actually hesitated sharing these thoughts because I think it sounds like I am minimizing 1st trimester miscarriages and I am so, so not. A baby is a baby. Period.) but I was telling myself that at least it wouldn't be an actual labor and delivery and holding and saying goodbye to your baby experience...and now here we are....right back in the 2nd trimester again...if we lose #5 pretty much from this point on it is going to be a repeat of the horrors of last June. 

I think there may be some confusion from well meaning friends on what happened with Aidiliy.  I seem to get a lot of comments like "It will be fine this time" "Just relax" "It was probably just a horrible fluke" "I know tons of people who had miscarriages and then their next baby was fine" "Everything looks great so far so just enjoy the pregnancy". In our situation it was not a fluke.  As horrible as it was to order the autopsy that day, I am thankful we did...because what it showed was that her placenta had clotted...and that is what killed her.  Sometime in between my totally perfect pregnancy with Max and my pregnancy with Aidily, I, for whatever reason, developed some type of pregnancy clotting disorder. (Which is actually not that abnormal as you get older.) Without treatment, there is a VERY high likelyhood of it happening again. And even with treatment (the lovenox injections I take daily) there is still a chance of it happening again because the dosages are not always perfect. And it doesn't always work. Not to mention there are a ton of other totally unrelated things that could happen. (Pregnancy/infant loss support groups are great but you also start to realize all the different ways babies can and do die before birth...) Aidiliy died at 17 weeks, but a clotting disorder can kill a baby at 4 weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks, 40 weeks...there will be no relaxing here until they hand me a screaming baby...

All of that said, all we can do is pray, hope for the best and wait for June to get here. And try to stay positive!  This baby *DOES* look great so far, and they are keeping a very close eye on us. All early testing and growth checks have come back perfect; hopefully that trend continues and we bring home #5 safe and sound at the end of all of this 👍🙏🙏💪❤💛💚💙💜

EDD: 11/26/16

Tomorrow is Aidiliy's due date.  I've been dreading it (this whole month/season, really) since the day we lost her and now it's here. And....it pretty much is as hard as I thought it would be.  I was even warned by my OB at my last appointment that facing the due date would not be easy.  At least I know it's normal.  I've very much just been going through the motions this week, I feel a little bit like I'm partly on autopilot again like I was right after.

I think the thing with the due date after the death of a baby is that it's the deadline to what should have and would have been.  As of tomorrow, that's it. She should be here. (Yes it likely would have been earlier in my case but I'm never allowed to go late...so tomorrow would have been the absolute deadline.) I should be holding a newborn on my chest.  I should be plastering a million pictures all over Facebook and annoying people. Aaron should be on FMLA leave. There should be baby paraphernalia all over our house. I should be delirious from exhaustion and desperate for a shower.  I should be up all night with a cluster feeding, screaming baby. And I actually think my body somehow knows this.  I'm back to waking up a million times a night....but there is no baby to tend to.  That actual physical ache for her is back that was there in the first few weeks after she died.

Going out has been hard again the last few days, after having gotten easier. It feels raw again. Little things set me off. I heard "How to save a life" by The Fray on the radio today and lost it.  I know it is not about this situation at all but..."I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life...".... couldn't take it. I would give anything to be up all night with her.  Then I was behind a lady with a newborn checking out at Target. (Because of course I was at Target with 3 kids on Black Friday 😬😜😜) She was all disheveled and moaning and complaining to her friend about how her baby never sleeps and wants to be held constantly and why can't it just be quiet for 5 minutes.  I. Wanted. To. Kick. Her.

I know it sounds like I'm wallowing and I know these blog posts are depressing.  I really am doing ok. Good, even. This particular time and season are hard this year but I never lose sight of what I DO have. Ever.  And I even feel.....guilty....in some ways about my grief at this point, given that I am lucky enough to be pregnant again.  It does not escape me that many many people lose babies and do not go on to get their rainbow, or to even try for one...

Speaking of little #5, things are so far so good, as far as we know. We will see how things look the next few weeks when we start getting genetic screenings back and I have my first growth scan. Praying so hard the Lovenox injections are doing their job.  I am trying very hard to think positively but of course it's terrifying. We still have not told the kids (and I am obviously showing, but they haven't said anything, which is hilarious). The thought of actually bringing this baby home alive next year is simultaneously something keeping me going and giving me hope and then also a thought so out there and remote and behind so many hurdles I have a really hard time imagining it *actually* happening.  I just don't want to be wheeled out of that hospital again with nothing but a memory box. I. Just. Can't.  Continuing to wish I could just fast forward the weeks but so far no luck ;)

And I think that's going to conclude this downer post.  I'm hoping that maybe the next post will be a happy update post on #5 when we find out some initial screening results and pretty soon, gender :) Praying...❤🙏🙏

Random thoughts....6.5 weeks pregnant...

It's been kind of a weird few weeks.  It's finally Fall, which is my favorite season but it's weird this year. Coming up on Aidiliy's due date next month. She was due November 26th but they would have delivered before then...so she would have been here in the next few weeks.  I would be huge and miserable at this point and making sure everything was ready...instead I'm still figuring out what to do with her ashes and all her things.  I was so excited for another Fall baby. She would have been here for Thanksgiving, brand new, and then this would have been her first Christmas. I try really really hard not to dwell on it all and to focus on what I DO have (which is a LOT!) but it's hard not to think about all the would haves and should haves, especially the closer her due date gets....I think it will be difficult to see newborns for the next few months.

And of course all of THAT is juxtaposed with my tremendous joy and thankfulness (and fear) of being just over 6 weeks pregnant with a new life.  I finally had my first ultrasound and they thankfully found a baby with a good heartbeat, so I was relieved for about 17 seconds and now I'm freaking out about my next scan at 8 weeks lol. I'm guessing that's going to be the trend here for this pregnancy.  I'm trying desperately and quite unsuccessfully not to get too attached to this baby in case the unthinkable happens again but of course that's pretty impossible.  I know that everything that can be done to help this baby grow and be healthy until delivery, is being done, and it's in God's hands if we get to bring he or she home next year. I know that worrying is not going to help at all or change anything but I'm only human.  I'm trying!!  I've never been so thankful for our crazy busy schedule...less time for thinking haha 😝😤

One thing that stinks is that a lot of pregnancy, especially early pregnancy, is just trusting your body to do what it is supposed to do. Well, I don't trust my body at ALL. My body failed and betrayed me in one of the worst ways possible this year...so how does THAT work?!

.....Is it next year yet?

All things are possible...baby #5.

We are hopeful, terrified, cautious, and also very happy and thankful to announce that we found out last week we are pregnant again.  ❤

Barely pregnant...so soon I have not had an ultrasound yet and at the stage where anything can and often does happen. But lets be real...we know all too well that a baby can be lost at any point. There really isn't any safe zone. And my thoughts are, whether we get to bring this baby home with us next year or lose it at 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 17 weeks, or any other time between now and then, I want him or her celebrated, and above all, prayed for.  If the unthinkable happens to us again, I will want and need the support again, regardless of how far along. 

We will NOT, however, be telling the kids until much, much, MUCH later.  They do not need to re live that experience if I can at all help it. 

So here we are. A little bit pregnant. They have done 3 sets of beta hcg levels (the pregnancy hormone) and they are so far on track and rising appropriately.  I'm probably 4-5 weeks along.  I'm on baby aspirin and will be starting an injectable blood thinner tomorrow to try to protect this baby from any clots in the placenta (which is what they believe led to Aidiliy's death).  

Ultrasound in 2 weeks to check for a heartbeat...

Praying and hoping to be holding a screaming baby in about 8 months, and for now, just happy to be pregnant! 🙏🙏🙏💜💜

One foot in front of the other

Just rambling...


I always thought if something like this happened to me I wouldn't be able to on. Literally. It was something that was one of my worst fears but BECAUSE it was SO bad, it wouldn't *really* ever happen, simply because it couldn't.  Surely God could see I wasn't the kind of strong person with a strong enough faith to survive the loss of a baby. To pick up the pieces and go on. I just couldn't.  Other people might have that strength but not me. That first day I couldn't find Aidiliy's heartbeat I told Aaron hysterically "I will die if she's gone."

And then it happened. She was gone. It was reality.

And then you just....put on foot in front of the other and survive one minute at a time and keep going. There isn't another option. We have 3 other kids here with us and somehow you just...have to.

It is a horrific nightmare and I worry I will always be this sort of shell of myself. Always have this gaping hole in my heart. Always have this awful ache for her. Never be able to be around anyone or anything baby or pregnancy related ever again without feeling like my heart is being ripped out and stomped on. That I will never be the old me. Yes I know it's still very early.

But I'm HERE. I'm DOING IT. I'm surviving. I'm not cured up in a heap on the floor unable to go on.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other and somehow life is continuing.  I have no idea how but somehow it is. I have never been more thankful for my kids or my husband. . I am soaking up every minute with them now and definitely do not think I will take any minute with any of them for granted ever again. I never thought I did take them for granted but now...I really will not.   I've cleaned the house, I've run errands, I get dressed, I put makeup on, we went on 2 overnight trips..I've smiled and laughed and joked and enjoyed time with Aaron and the kids. I'm functioning. On autopilot a fair amount of the time and with a giant piece of my heart missing, but I'm doing it. Did I mention how amazing my husband and kids are? They are giving me so much strength I never knew I had.

I now have constant anxiety something will happen to Aaron, Ella, Abby, or Max. I want to just keep them all in a bubble.  I've been told this is very normal and might last for quite awhile.

 I **cannot** thank everyone enough for the outpouring of support. I am about 110 percent sure that I would not be functioning as well without it.  You have sent cards and flowers and prayers and coffee and gift cards and presents for the kids ro cheer them up, and made dinners, and sent so many messages of support,  offers to help, or comments on posts and each and every one of them has gotten us through this first horrible 2 weeks.  Thank you is not enough. It really isn't.

In closing....we received preliminary autopsy results back and, true to form, no surprise, Kaiser has made yet another mistake.  They determined that Aidiliy did not, in fact, have anencephaly.  That her skull may have partially appeared that way because she had already been gone for 2 days when she was delivered. She was anatomically perfect. Waiting on a few chromosome studies still but they anticipate them to be normal as well. None of it really matters anyway...

One foot in front of the other.

Sometimes your worst fears really do come true.

*For anyone who doesn't want to read the whole post, I want to share here that Aidiliy did not in fact have Down Syndrome.  She was actually born with Anencephaly/Acrania. Part of her skull did not develop. Nobody had any idea until she was born.*


Anyone that knows me,  knows what a huge worry wart and stress case I am. I have horrible anxiety. One of my main fears is something happening to  , Aaron or one of the kids. When I  am pregnant, this fear is magnified and I am always thinking something will go horribly wrong.  We did have complications with Ella's pregnancy but Abby and Max were smooth sailing.

I had a gut feeling since day 1 of this pregnancy with Aidiliy that something horrible was coming. I tried for 17 weeks to tell myself it was just my anxiety rearing it's head, just me stressing over nothing as usual and we would have our perfect final member of our family in our arms in November.  It started when my initial HCG levels at the very beginning were not doubling. It corrected itself...but that was weird. Dr's all said it was fine, some are slow starters.  Then they couldn't find the pregnancy on ultrasound when they should have been able to, and we were told it might be ectopic.  They were able to find her the following week and again said she was just a "slow starter".  I was about 6 or 7 weeks at this point. With the other 3 kids, as soon as we saw a heartbeat,  we announced the pregnancy and felt confident. This time, I was still nervous so I decided to wait until my 9 week scan. It was perfect, I was temporarily relieved,  and we told the world we were expecting our 4th miracle. I was transferred over to the high risk dr because of my history with Ella, and for a few weeks thought things were going to be ok. Our 12 week level 2 scan was perfect, her nuchal measurement was perfect. My labs from my 1st trimester screen were *ok*...everything normal except my Papp-a level was low. They told me it was probably nothing,  maybe a placenta issue and they would watch it.  I went in for another perinatologist appt at 15 weeks. Again,  everything looked perfect and he was able to tell she was a girl.  We were so, so excited.  I started buying clothes and bows.

I still had that feeling though...that little voice...

I asked a few drs different times why her heart rate was always a little elevated.  Everyone said they weren't sure but it was probably fine.

16 weeks. We get a phone call from genetics telling us that my 2nd trimester lab screening (quad screen) came back very abnormal and looking very much like Down Syndrome.  She had a 1 in 4 chance.  It knocked the wind out of us of course but it was never something we felt we couldn't handle. She was our daughter. We would face it together. After the initial shock wore off, I was actually **slightly** relieved. I was thinking, ok, THIS is why I have had this feeling of something being wrong the whole time. This is what it is. It's scary and it's life changing but she will be ok and we will handle it.  At least it isn't something fatal...

16. 5 weeks.  We went to Genetics for a blood test to confirm if it was Down's or not, and to have an in depth level 2 ultrasound to check for Down's markers and any major heart or spine defects.  She was measuring a few days behind but they said she looked great and they saw  nothing concerning. I left still thinking in the back of my mind she had Down's but thanking God that they didn't see anything awful.

17 weeks 1 day. Decreased movement and I was unable to find her heartbeat with the home doppler. We decided to go to the ER. I cried and begged God for her life while I took a shower. I didn't care what was wrong with her, I just needed her alive. At the ER,  a nurse checked with any doppler for about 15 seconds.  All I heard was my own hb but she said she was pretty sure she heard the baby "somewhere back there and it was like 180s". They sent us home, no ultrasound.  I tried to be relieved but I just knew.

17 weeks 2 days.  Still no heartbeat with home doppler.  My dr told me to come in for a well check and to check fluid levels to relieve my anxiety.  Once I was there the nurse couldn't find her heartbeat on the ultrasound and went to get the dr. He confirmed that Aidiliy was gone. I thought I was going to die. I'm not even going to try to put the emotions into words. Use your imagination and then multiply it by infinity.

I came home, packed a labor bag, situated the kids with my mom and went back to the hospital,  to check into Labor and Delivery with all the other moms there having live babies.  Where I myself had delivered Abby and Max.

I'm not going into detail about the actual induction and birth. It's private, its too hard to write right now, and I'm also pretty sure nobody really wants specifics.  Basically I had to have a regular full on induction and labor, in a regular delivery room complete with a baby warmer next to the bed, it took just under 12 hours, I held her, she was blessed, I went home with nothing but a box with her hat and blanket and footprints in it. And a handful of grief pamphlets. Again, use your imagination to imagine how horrible it was and then figure it was about a million times worse than what you are imagining.

We found out a few hours before she was born that she did not have Down Syndrome.

When she was born they discovered that she had acrania/anencephaly.  Part of her skull did not develop. Nobody has any idea how it could have been missed on all the ultrasounds I had. It would have been present since about week 4 or 5 of the pregnancy.

We don't know what caused it. I was taking high dose folic acid by that point. We are having an autopsy done. It might provide answers, it might not.

Just trying to make it through each day. Wouldn't be able to without all of the love and support and prayers we have gotten.

I just want my baby.