One foot in front of the other

Just rambling...


I always thought if something like this happened to me I wouldn't be able to on. Literally. It was something that was one of my worst fears but BECAUSE it was SO bad, it wouldn't *really* ever happen, simply because it couldn't.  Surely God could see I wasn't the kind of strong person with a strong enough faith to survive the loss of a baby. To pick up the pieces and go on. I just couldn't.  Other people might have that strength but not me. That first day I couldn't find Aidiliy's heartbeat I told Aaron hysterically "I will die if she's gone."

And then it happened. She was gone. It was reality.

And then you just....put on foot in front of the other and survive one minute at a time and keep going. There isn't another option. We have 3 other kids here with us and somehow you just...have to.

It is a horrific nightmare and I worry I will always be this sort of shell of myself. Always have this gaping hole in my heart. Always have this awful ache for her. Never be able to be around anyone or anything baby or pregnancy related ever again without feeling like my heart is being ripped out and stomped on. That I will never be the old me. Yes I know it's still very early.

But I'm HERE. I'm DOING IT. I'm surviving. I'm not cured up in a heap on the floor unable to go on.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other and somehow life is continuing.  I have no idea how but somehow it is. I have never been more thankful for my kids or my husband. . I am soaking up every minute with them now and definitely do not think I will take any minute with any of them for granted ever again. I never thought I did take them for granted but now...I really will not.   I've cleaned the house, I've run errands, I get dressed, I put makeup on, we went on 2 overnight trips..I've smiled and laughed and joked and enjoyed time with Aaron and the kids. I'm functioning. On autopilot a fair amount of the time and with a giant piece of my heart missing, but I'm doing it. Did I mention how amazing my husband and kids are? They are giving me so much strength I never knew I had.

I now have constant anxiety something will happen to Aaron, Ella, Abby, or Max. I want to just keep them all in a bubble.  I've been told this is very normal and might last for quite awhile.

 I **cannot** thank everyone enough for the outpouring of support. I am about 110 percent sure that I would not be functioning as well without it.  You have sent cards and flowers and prayers and coffee and gift cards and presents for the kids ro cheer them up, and made dinners, and sent so many messages of support,  offers to help, or comments on posts and each and every one of them has gotten us through this first horrible 2 weeks.  Thank you is not enough. It really isn't.

In closing....we received preliminary autopsy results back and, true to form, no surprise, Kaiser has made yet another mistake.  They determined that Aidiliy did not, in fact, have anencephaly.  That her skull may have partially appeared that way because she had already been gone for 2 days when she was delivered. She was anatomically perfect. Waiting on a few chromosome studies still but they anticipate them to be normal as well. None of it really matters anyway...

One foot in front of the other.