Random thoughts....6.5 weeks pregnant...

It's been kind of a weird few weeks.  It's finally Fall, which is my favorite season but it's weird this year. Coming up on Aidiliy's due date next month. She was due November 26th but they would have delivered before then...so she would have been here in the next few weeks.  I would be huge and miserable at this point and making sure everything was ready...instead I'm still figuring out what to do with her ashes and all her things.  I was so excited for another Fall baby. She would have been here for Thanksgiving, brand new, and then this would have been her first Christmas. I try really really hard not to dwell on it all and to focus on what I DO have (which is a LOT!) but it's hard not to think about all the would haves and should haves, especially the closer her due date gets....I think it will be difficult to see newborns for the next few months.

And of course all of THAT is juxtaposed with my tremendous joy and thankfulness (and fear) of being just over 6 weeks pregnant with a new life.  I finally had my first ultrasound and they thankfully found a baby with a good heartbeat, so I was relieved for about 17 seconds and now I'm freaking out about my next scan at 8 weeks lol. I'm guessing that's going to be the trend here for this pregnancy.  I'm trying desperately and quite unsuccessfully not to get too attached to this baby in case the unthinkable happens again but of course that's pretty impossible.  I know that everything that can be done to help this baby grow and be healthy until delivery, is being done, and it's in God's hands if we get to bring he or she home next year. I know that worrying is not going to help at all or change anything but I'm only human.  I'm trying!!  I've never been so thankful for our crazy busy schedule...less time for thinking haha 😝😤

One thing that stinks is that a lot of pregnancy, especially early pregnancy, is just trusting your body to do what it is supposed to do. Well, I don't trust my body at ALL. My body failed and betrayed me in one of the worst ways possible this year...so how does THAT work?!

.....Is it next year yet?

All things are possible...baby #5.

We are hopeful, terrified, cautious, and also very happy and thankful to announce that we found out last week we are pregnant again.  ❤

Barely pregnant...so soon I have not had an ultrasound yet and at the stage where anything can and often does happen. But lets be real...we know all too well that a baby can be lost at any point. There really isn't any safe zone. And my thoughts are, whether we get to bring this baby home with us next year or lose it at 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 17 weeks, or any other time between now and then, I want him or her celebrated, and above all, prayed for.  If the unthinkable happens to us again, I will want and need the support again, regardless of how far along. 

We will NOT, however, be telling the kids until much, much, MUCH later.  They do not need to re live that experience if I can at all help it. 

So here we are. A little bit pregnant. They have done 3 sets of beta hcg levels (the pregnancy hormone) and they are so far on track and rising appropriately.  I'm probably 4-5 weeks along.  I'm on baby aspirin and will be starting an injectable blood thinner tomorrow to try to protect this baby from any clots in the placenta (which is what they believe led to Aidiliy's death).  

Ultrasound in 2 weeks to check for a heartbeat...

Praying and hoping to be holding a screaming baby in about 8 months, and for now, just happy to be pregnant! 🙏🙏🙏💜💜