As I've said before...I try very hard to in general, stay positive and thankful and try to look on the bright side of things...which has obviously been pretty hard over the last 7 months. Of course we are very blessed and even more thankful for the kids we have here now. I am blessed to have a great husband to lean on through this. And of course I cannot believe that we are blessed and lucky enough to have another chance for a living baby. A bit of hope in the dark. I thank God for this every day, all day. So so many bereaved mothers do not get that chance.
But...this sucks you guys. Pregnancy after loss just. plain. sucks.
I knew it would be hard and full of anxiety, I was advised of this by Drs, others who have walked this path, I've read other blogs by moms pregnant after a late loss, etc, and my experience is definitely not unique or abnormal, but seriously, it is REALLY. HARD. I'm almost 19 weeks and it already feels like this pregnancy has lasted approximately 5000 years.
Back to the topic of being thankful for a minute- I am SO thankful that I was somehow lucky enough to have 3 normal pregnancies that ended in live crying babies before we had a tragedy. I think about this a lot. I'm a person who, until June 2016, has always had fun, for the most part, being pregnant. We had some complications with Ella but I mean, she was ALIVE. Pregnancy is exhausting and hard and we had our anxious moments, but I did enjoy and have fun with them. And I will always have that. Other mothers, who have lost their first baby, will never have a fun pregnancy. A pregnancy where you relax for a second or dare to imagine bringing home a live baby. I think that is so sad and unfair. Everyone I've talked to who has had a late loss has lived in constant fear for subsequent pregnancies and I am no different. But at least I did get to experience that *3* times.
When you are pregnant after losing a baby, you walk around just waiting for the bottom to drop out again. I was hoping maybe once we got passed 17 weeks 3 days, the day I delivered Aidiliy, I would relax just a little but nope...now at almost 19 weeks I just feel like we are on borrowed time lol. Ugh. I'm realizing there will no relaxing until she is in our arms, crying.
One thing that is no longer fun after a loss...at all...is Dr's appointments and ultrasounds. And there are a lot of them. I'm so thankful to be receiving amazing care but I will be spending quite a lot of time at Kaiser. Sure it's always fun and reassuring to see your baby, but this time, not only is there anxiety about appointments and scans, but it's not fun to be there. I hate driving past the L&D building, I hate sitting in the waiting room, I even hate the smell of the place lol.
Another thing is, at some point we are going to have to buy clothes and items we need for her (which is usually one of the most fun parts about being pregnant!) but I'm terrified to. I had placed an order for a bunch of adorable clothes for Aidiliy 2 days before we found out she had died. 3 days after I got home from the hospital they all arrived in the mail. They are still in the back of our downstairs closet... It was horrible and I'm so scared of something like that happening again. I have bought a few small things this time and it makes me so nervous...and this is small stuff, I can't imagine purchasing the larger items like stroller/car seat/etc. Maybe we should just wait and do a huge Target trip on the way home from the hospital with her lol. The prepping/daydreaming about and for the future that was always so fun when I was pregnant before is just stressful and scary now. There is just that constant "What if?" in the back of your mind.
I'm still not really feeling movement yet because of an anterior placenta but I know when that starts it will also be a double edge sword...amazing and reassuring but also panic inducing on her quiet days.
So you stress and worry...and then you stress and worry about being stressed and worrying....lol.
All of that said...I do think I am handling it pretty well, considering. Everyone close to me knows I struggle with anxiety anyway, so something like this is quite a test lol 😬. And I am doing a much better job than I would have thought I could do, of trying to stay positive and just focus on the end goal. Yes I absolutely have those days where it feels suffocating, and I'm distracted, and impatient, and everything is an effort, and I'm probably not being a very good wife and/or mother on those days, which I hate, but I think overall, I'm surprising myself and keeping it check pretty well!! I 100 percent credit my handling this this well with my amazing support circle. My husband, my best friend, my family, all of our other amazing friends... I know I say this in almost every post but I mean it. I really, really mean it.
....but it still sucks. 😜😜
**side note- I've been being added by different people to various online child loss groups. I know your hearts are in the right place and I *soooo* thank everyone for the support and for thinking of us. 💜💜 Really, I appreciate it!! But I am needing to take a little step back from these groups. At least for now, they raise my anxiety about something happening to one of our other kids. My heart absolutely breaks for anyone that has lost a child at any age, but I need to try to kind of put blinders on a little bit, for now. (Bless our pediatrician for always being patient with me, but I think he's getting sick of seeing us haha 😜😜). **
