Tomorrow is Aidiliy's due date. I've been dreading it (this whole month/season, really) since the day we lost her and now it's here. And....it pretty much is as hard as I thought it would be. I was even warned by my OB at my last appointment that facing the due date would not be easy. At least I know it's normal. I've very much just been going through the motions this week, I feel a little bit like I'm partly on autopilot again like I was right after.
I think the thing with the due date after the death of a baby is that it's the deadline to what should have and would have been. As of tomorrow, that's it. She should be here. (Yes it likely would have been earlier in my case but I'm never allowed to go late...so tomorrow would have been the absolute deadline.) I should be holding a newborn on my chest. I should be plastering a million pictures all over Facebook and annoying people. Aaron should be on FMLA leave. There should be baby paraphernalia all over our house. I should be delirious from exhaustion and desperate for a shower. I should be up all night with a cluster feeding, screaming baby. And I actually think my body somehow knows this. I'm back to waking up a million times a night....but there is no baby to tend to. That actual physical ache for her is back that was there in the first few weeks after she died.
Going out has been hard again the last few days, after having gotten easier. It feels raw again. Little things set me off. I heard "How to save a life" by The Fray on the radio today and lost it. I know it is not about this situation at all but..."I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life...".... couldn't take it. I would give anything to be up all night with her. Then I was behind a lady with a newborn checking out at Target. (Because of course I was at Target with 3 kids on Black Friday 😬😜😜) She was all disheveled and moaning and complaining to her friend about how her baby never sleeps and wants to be held constantly and why can't it just be quiet for 5 minutes. I. Wanted. To. Kick. Her.
I know it sounds like I'm wallowing and I know these blog posts are depressing. I really am doing ok. Good, even. This particular time and season are hard this year but I never lose sight of what I DO have. Ever. And I even feel.....guilty....in some ways about my grief at this point, given that I am lucky enough to be pregnant again. It does not escape me that many many people lose babies and do not go on to get their rainbow, or to even try for one...
Speaking of little #5, things are so far so good, as far as we know. We will see how things look the next few weeks when we start getting genetic screenings back and I have my first growth scan. Praying so hard the Lovenox injections are doing their job. I am trying very hard to think positively but of course it's terrifying. We still have not told the kids (and I am obviously showing, but they haven't said anything, which is hilarious). The thought of actually bringing this baby home alive next year is simultaneously something keeping me going and giving me hope and then also a thought so out there and remote and behind so many hurdles I have a really hard time imagining it *actually* happening. I just don't want to be wheeled out of that hospital again with nothing but a memory box. I. Just. Can't. Continuing to wish I could just fast forward the weeks but so far no luck ;)
And I think that's going to conclude this downer post. I'm hoping that maybe the next post will be a happy update post on #5 when we find out some initial screening results and pretty soon, gender :) Praying...❤🙏🙏
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