Random thoughts....6.5 weeks pregnant...

It's been kind of a weird few weeks.  It's finally Fall, which is my favorite season but it's weird this year. Coming up on Aidiliy's due date next month. She was due November 26th but they would have delivered before then...so she would have been here in the next few weeks.  I would be huge and miserable at this point and making sure everything was ready...instead I'm still figuring out what to do with her ashes and all her things.  I was so excited for another Fall baby. She would have been here for Thanksgiving, brand new, and then this would have been her first Christmas. I try really really hard not to dwell on it all and to focus on what I DO have (which is a LOT!) but it's hard not to think about all the would haves and should haves, especially the closer her due date gets....I think it will be difficult to see newborns for the next few months.

And of course all of THAT is juxtaposed with my tremendous joy and thankfulness (and fear) of being just over 6 weeks pregnant with a new life.  I finally had my first ultrasound and they thankfully found a baby with a good heartbeat, so I was relieved for about 17 seconds and now I'm freaking out about my next scan at 8 weeks lol. I'm guessing that's going to be the trend here for this pregnancy.  I'm trying desperately and quite unsuccessfully not to get too attached to this baby in case the unthinkable happens again but of course that's pretty impossible.  I know that everything that can be done to help this baby grow and be healthy until delivery, is being done, and it's in God's hands if we get to bring he or she home next year. I know that worrying is not going to help at all or change anything but I'm only human.  I'm trying!!  I've never been so thankful for our crazy busy schedule...less time for thinking haha 😝😤

One thing that stinks is that a lot of pregnancy, especially early pregnancy, is just trusting your body to do what it is supposed to do. Well, I don't trust my body at ALL. My body failed and betrayed me in one of the worst ways possible this year...so how does THAT work?!

.....Is it next year yet?

All things are possible...baby #5.

We are hopeful, terrified, cautious, and also very happy and thankful to announce that we found out last week we are pregnant again.  ❤

Barely pregnant...so soon I have not had an ultrasound yet and at the stage where anything can and often does happen. But lets be real...we know all too well that a baby can be lost at any point. There really isn't any safe zone. And my thoughts are, whether we get to bring this baby home with us next year or lose it at 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 17 weeks, or any other time between now and then, I want him or her celebrated, and above all, prayed for.  If the unthinkable happens to us again, I will want and need the support again, regardless of how far along. 

We will NOT, however, be telling the kids until much, much, MUCH later.  They do not need to re live that experience if I can at all help it. 

So here we are. A little bit pregnant. They have done 3 sets of beta hcg levels (the pregnancy hormone) and they are so far on track and rising appropriately.  I'm probably 4-5 weeks along.  I'm on baby aspirin and will be starting an injectable blood thinner tomorrow to try to protect this baby from any clots in the placenta (which is what they believe led to Aidiliy's death).  

Ultrasound in 2 weeks to check for a heartbeat...

Praying and hoping to be holding a screaming baby in about 8 months, and for now, just happy to be pregnant! 🙏🙏🙏💜💜

One foot in front of the other

Just rambling...


I always thought if something like this happened to me I wouldn't be able to on. Literally. It was something that was one of my worst fears but BECAUSE it was SO bad, it wouldn't *really* ever happen, simply because it couldn't.  Surely God could see I wasn't the kind of strong person with a strong enough faith to survive the loss of a baby. To pick up the pieces and go on. I just couldn't.  Other people might have that strength but not me. That first day I couldn't find Aidiliy's heartbeat I told Aaron hysterically "I will die if she's gone."

And then it happened. She was gone. It was reality.

And then you just....put on foot in front of the other and survive one minute at a time and keep going. There isn't another option. We have 3 other kids here with us and somehow you just...have to.

It is a horrific nightmare and I worry I will always be this sort of shell of myself. Always have this gaping hole in my heart. Always have this awful ache for her. Never be able to be around anyone or anything baby or pregnancy related ever again without feeling like my heart is being ripped out and stomped on. That I will never be the old me. Yes I know it's still very early.

But I'm HERE. I'm DOING IT. I'm surviving. I'm not cured up in a heap on the floor unable to go on.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other and somehow life is continuing.  I have no idea how but somehow it is. I have never been more thankful for my kids or my husband. . I am soaking up every minute with them now and definitely do not think I will take any minute with any of them for granted ever again. I never thought I did take them for granted but now...I really will not.   I've cleaned the house, I've run errands, I get dressed, I put makeup on, we went on 2 overnight trips..I've smiled and laughed and joked and enjoyed time with Aaron and the kids. I'm functioning. On autopilot a fair amount of the time and with a giant piece of my heart missing, but I'm doing it. Did I mention how amazing my husband and kids are? They are giving me so much strength I never knew I had.

I now have constant anxiety something will happen to Aaron, Ella, Abby, or Max. I want to just keep them all in a bubble.  I've been told this is very normal and might last for quite awhile.

 I **cannot** thank everyone enough for the outpouring of support. I am about 110 percent sure that I would not be functioning as well without it.  You have sent cards and flowers and prayers and coffee and gift cards and presents for the kids ro cheer them up, and made dinners, and sent so many messages of support,  offers to help, or comments on posts and each and every one of them has gotten us through this first horrible 2 weeks.  Thank you is not enough. It really isn't.

In closing....we received preliminary autopsy results back and, true to form, no surprise, Kaiser has made yet another mistake.  They determined that Aidiliy did not, in fact, have anencephaly.  That her skull may have partially appeared that way because she had already been gone for 2 days when she was delivered. She was anatomically perfect. Waiting on a few chromosome studies still but they anticipate them to be normal as well. None of it really matters anyway...

One foot in front of the other.

Sometimes your worst fears really do come true.

*For anyone who doesn't want to read the whole post, I want to share here that Aidiliy did not in fact have Down Syndrome.  She was actually born with Anencephaly/Acrania. Part of her skull did not develop. Nobody had any idea until she was born.*


Anyone that knows me,  knows what a huge worry wart and stress case I am. I have horrible anxiety. One of my main fears is something happening to  , Aaron or one of the kids. When I  am pregnant, this fear is magnified and I am always thinking something will go horribly wrong.  We did have complications with Ella's pregnancy but Abby and Max were smooth sailing.

I had a gut feeling since day 1 of this pregnancy with Aidiliy that something horrible was coming. I tried for 17 weeks to tell myself it was just my anxiety rearing it's head, just me stressing over nothing as usual and we would have our perfect final member of our family in our arms in November.  It started when my initial HCG levels at the very beginning were not doubling. It corrected itself...but that was weird. Dr's all said it was fine, some are slow starters.  Then they couldn't find the pregnancy on ultrasound when they should have been able to, and we were told it might be ectopic.  They were able to find her the following week and again said she was just a "slow starter".  I was about 6 or 7 weeks at this point. With the other 3 kids, as soon as we saw a heartbeat,  we announced the pregnancy and felt confident. This time, I was still nervous so I decided to wait until my 9 week scan. It was perfect, I was temporarily relieved,  and we told the world we were expecting our 4th miracle. I was transferred over to the high risk dr because of my history with Ella, and for a few weeks thought things were going to be ok. Our 12 week level 2 scan was perfect, her nuchal measurement was perfect. My labs from my 1st trimester screen were *ok*...everything normal except my Papp-a level was low. They told me it was probably nothing,  maybe a placenta issue and they would watch it.  I went in for another perinatologist appt at 15 weeks. Again,  everything looked perfect and he was able to tell she was a girl.  We were so, so excited.  I started buying clothes and bows.

I still had that feeling though...that little voice...

I asked a few drs different times why her heart rate was always a little elevated.  Everyone said they weren't sure but it was probably fine.

16 weeks. We get a phone call from genetics telling us that my 2nd trimester lab screening (quad screen) came back very abnormal and looking very much like Down Syndrome.  She had a 1 in 4 chance.  It knocked the wind out of us of course but it was never something we felt we couldn't handle. She was our daughter. We would face it together. After the initial shock wore off, I was actually **slightly** relieved. I was thinking, ok, THIS is why I have had this feeling of something being wrong the whole time. This is what it is. It's scary and it's life changing but she will be ok and we will handle it.  At least it isn't something fatal...

16. 5 weeks.  We went to Genetics for a blood test to confirm if it was Down's or not, and to have an in depth level 2 ultrasound to check for Down's markers and any major heart or spine defects.  She was measuring a few days behind but they said she looked great and they saw  nothing concerning. I left still thinking in the back of my mind she had Down's but thanking God that they didn't see anything awful.

17 weeks 1 day. Decreased movement and I was unable to find her heartbeat with the home doppler. We decided to go to the ER. I cried and begged God for her life while I took a shower. I didn't care what was wrong with her, I just needed her alive. At the ER,  a nurse checked with any doppler for about 15 seconds.  All I heard was my own hb but she said she was pretty sure she heard the baby "somewhere back there and it was like 180s". They sent us home, no ultrasound.  I tried to be relieved but I just knew.

17 weeks 2 days.  Still no heartbeat with home doppler.  My dr told me to come in for a well check and to check fluid levels to relieve my anxiety.  Once I was there the nurse couldn't find her heartbeat on the ultrasound and went to get the dr. He confirmed that Aidiliy was gone. I thought I was going to die. I'm not even going to try to put the emotions into words. Use your imagination and then multiply it by infinity.

I came home, packed a labor bag, situated the kids with my mom and went back to the hospital,  to check into Labor and Delivery with all the other moms there having live babies.  Where I myself had delivered Abby and Max.

I'm not going into detail about the actual induction and birth. It's private, its too hard to write right now, and I'm also pretty sure nobody really wants specifics.  Basically I had to have a regular full on induction and labor, in a regular delivery room complete with a baby warmer next to the bed, it took just under 12 hours, I held her, she was blessed, I went home with nothing but a box with her hat and blanket and footprints in it. And a handful of grief pamphlets. Again, use your imagination to imagine how horrible it was and then figure it was about a million times worse than what you are imagining.

We found out a few hours before she was born that she did not have Down Syndrome.

When she was born they discovered that she had acrania/anencephaly.  Part of her skull did not develop. Nobody has any idea how it could have been missed on all the ultrasounds I had. It would have been present since about week 4 or 5 of the pregnancy.

We don't know what caused it. I was taking high dose folic acid by that point. We are having an autopsy done. It might provide answers, it might not.

Just trying to make it through each day. Wouldn't be able to without all of the love and support and prayers we have gotten.

I just want my baby.

One day at a time

I dont know how this post will be because I am emotionally exhausted.  I think is the kind of thing most people probably keep to themselves at this point, or at least until they have answers one way or another but we've been a pretty open book until this point so why start now?  I also feel like we have pretty amazing family and friends and support and prayers would be nice to have while we walk through this...

We received a call Friday afternoon while I was moving the kids' rooms around from Kaiser Genetics. My quad screen, which was completed this past week and combines ultrasound results with blood tests, came back with pretty abnormal results and when all is taken into account our baby girl has a 1 in 4 chance of having Down Syndrome.




Down Syndrome.   1. In. 4.










Yeah I know, I know, that's a 75 percent chance she doesn't have it and blah blah blah. Not really comforted.

If it isn't Down's, there is a possibility of something else being wrong like a heart or spine defect that is screwing up the labs. Or there is a possibility she is totally fine and it's all screwed up because....?

Trying to remind myself that at Max's anatomy scan they measured wrong and thought he had a major spine defect and we freaked for a day before they said he was fine..not the same situation but maybe it will be something like that....maybe...

Our options are do nothing and wait, do an amniocentesis to find out for sure (but comes with a risk of miscarriage), or do an NIPT blood test, which takes about 10 days to come back and can give us about a 98 to 99 percent idea if she does have DS or not. So it's not a definitive answer, and you are still left with a sliver of doubt the rest of the pregnancy, but it gives a pretty good idea and there are no risks. It will also tell us if she is, in fact, for sure a girl...

We aren't willing to risk her life to do the amnio.  The chances are pretty small that something would go wrong but the chance is there and we aren't willing to risk it.

So I will go in on Tuesday, soonest they could get me in, and get the NIPT test and they will do a long detailed ultrasound to see if they see any heart or spine defects and/or physical markers for Down's.  The ultrasound will have to be repeated again at 18 and 20 weeks because they won't be able to visualize everything at 16. She also said 50 percent of DS babies don't show any signs on ultrasound anyway....we'll see I guess. And then we wait for the NIPT results and then go from there.

I'm going back and forth from numb and on autopilot to freaking out. Trying to stay hopeful but also realistic. Terrified of what this could mean for us, for Ella and Abby and Max. Our future. Her future. Terrified that it's Down's.  Terrified that it's not Down's and it's a horrible physical defect. Praying. Wondering just how much more we can handle. Wishing the days would hurry up and go by faster.

We just need her to be ok.

The Littlest Lamb

Long story short....we were totally done having kids. Max was going to be the end of the line. Obviously,  we had more than enough on our plates, especially right now. I was very seriously considering getting my tubes tied this summer. Ha!! There is a saying..."Man plans, God laughs."  I'm pretty sure God was laughing, pointing AND laughing hysterically at me on March 15th when I sat there staring at the test I had taken "just to get the thought out of my head".  Yep, pretty sure He was laughing. And snorting.

I had a few weeks in which I'm going to admit,  I was freaking out big time and not exactly happy. At all.

Then...when I had just begun to wrap my head around it and imagine our family of 6, I went in for labs and a first ultrasound.  The ultrasound was inconclusive,  no baby or pregnancy seen, and for the amount of weeks I was...it should have been visible. My hormone levels also were low and not doubling appropriately. These things combined made the dr feel it was "probably not viable, and a fair chance it was a tubal pregnancy. "  I was told to come back in 4 weeks unless I thought my tube was exploding before then, in which case to go to the ER....and that there was a good chance of a miscarriage in the meantime.

There is nothing like being told you are probably going to miscarry to slap you upside the head and wake you up from everything you THOUGHT you were worried about.  In about 2.7 seconds I went from freaking out about being pregnant to feeling like my world was falling apart because I might not be.

It was an excruciating few weeks. Waiting for the worst. Praying and begging God for the best. I told Aaron I would literally do anything just to hold this baby in my arms this November.  He reminded me there was nothing I could do or not do, this was in God's hands entirely.  We had only told a handful of people at this point as well, which felt kind of weird. I reached out to a few friends privately and asked for prayers, you know who you are and I will never forget your support. Aaron and my best friend Vanessa kept me sane and laughing.

I went back in fully expecting not to see a baby. But there it was...our 4th little blob with a flickering heartbeat, right where it belonged 💜. I was floored. And thankful. So, so, unbelievably thankful. The dr was happy but still guarded and warned me that he was still a little concerned for the coming weeks because of how wonky the initial labs had been.  So we held our breath for another few weeks and when we again saw a perfect looking, growing little alien a few weeks after that I felt like I could finally let it out, somewhat :)  (although I'm pretty sure part of me will still be holding it until November) I see an amazing perinatologist since my pregnancy with Ella was kind of a disaster so I am in excellent hands.

Yes, I am still a little (a lot) overwhelmed at the thought of adding more to our plates and trying to figure out how to keep all the balls in the air. Yes I am nervous about how a 4th pregnancy and delivery will go. Yes it's going to be exhausting.  And crazy. And overwhelming. And loud. But I am also so, so excited, thankful, amazed,  happy, and cannot wait to meet this little one!!!!

What a gift  💜💜💜💜

-Yes, the factory will be permanently shut down after this one-