The Littlest Lamb

Long story short....we were totally done having kids. Max was going to be the end of the line. Obviously,  we had more than enough on our plates, especially right now. I was very seriously considering getting my tubes tied this summer. Ha!! There is a saying..."Man plans, God laughs."  I'm pretty sure God was laughing, pointing AND laughing hysterically at me on March 15th when I sat there staring at the test I had taken "just to get the thought out of my head".  Yep, pretty sure He was laughing. And snorting.

I had a few weeks in which I'm going to admit,  I was freaking out big time and not exactly happy. At all.

Then...when I had just begun to wrap my head around it and imagine our family of 6, I went in for labs and a first ultrasound.  The ultrasound was inconclusive,  no baby or pregnancy seen, and for the amount of weeks I was...it should have been visible. My hormone levels also were low and not doubling appropriately. These things combined made the dr feel it was "probably not viable, and a fair chance it was a tubal pregnancy. "  I was told to come back in 4 weeks unless I thought my tube was exploding before then, in which case to go to the ER....and that there was a good chance of a miscarriage in the meantime.

There is nothing like being told you are probably going to miscarry to slap you upside the head and wake you up from everything you THOUGHT you were worried about.  In about 2.7 seconds I went from freaking out about being pregnant to feeling like my world was falling apart because I might not be.

It was an excruciating few weeks. Waiting for the worst. Praying and begging God for the best. I told Aaron I would literally do anything just to hold this baby in my arms this November.  He reminded me there was nothing I could do or not do, this was in God's hands entirely.  We had only told a handful of people at this point as well, which felt kind of weird. I reached out to a few friends privately and asked for prayers, you know who you are and I will never forget your support. Aaron and my best friend Vanessa kept me sane and laughing.

I went back in fully expecting not to see a baby. But there it was...our 4th little blob with a flickering heartbeat, right where it belonged 💜. I was floored. And thankful. So, so, unbelievably thankful. The dr was happy but still guarded and warned me that he was still a little concerned for the coming weeks because of how wonky the initial labs had been.  So we held our breath for another few weeks and when we again saw a perfect looking, growing little alien a few weeks after that I felt like I could finally let it out, somewhat :)  (although I'm pretty sure part of me will still be holding it until November) I see an amazing perinatologist since my pregnancy with Ella was kind of a disaster so I am in excellent hands.

Yes, I am still a little (a lot) overwhelmed at the thought of adding more to our plates and trying to figure out how to keep all the balls in the air. Yes I am nervous about how a 4th pregnancy and delivery will go. Yes it's going to be exhausting.  And crazy. And overwhelming. And loud. But I am also so, so excited, thankful, amazed,  happy, and cannot wait to meet this little one!!!!

What a gift  💜💜💜💜

-Yes, the factory will be permanently shut down after this one-